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托福獨立寫作范文解析

2019-07-25 16:56     供稿單位: 新航道    

出國英語考試有哪些 雅思6.5是什么水平 雅思閱讀評分標準 托福閱讀評分標準 雅思和托福的區別

  At a company or any organization, which of the two things do you think that money would be better spent on so that the staff’s work quality would improve?

  1、 The quality of technology (eg. computers, printers, etc.);

  2、 Redesigning the office so that staff would feel more comfortable.


  【此題為2019年7月13日真題】

  我們以學生的習作的批改來講解:

  黑色部分為學生習作,藍色部分為教師批改

  Job holdersEmployees[在這里需要用這個詞來強調“雇員身份”。]have different personal needs and expectations forof [“對xxx的期待”用of。]the company they serve. If the company I work for were to invest in the program of improving its staff members’ work quality, I would definitely suggest that the money should be spent on updating technological facilities in the office for several reasons. [整個段落的話語還是繁瑣了,更簡潔更省時]

  修改后的開頭段落,整體呈現如下:

  Employees have the need for a better work environment, both its technological facilities and its comfortability, so that they may achieve better results.[第一句話就速度進入主題的最核心,這樣也給第二句話的承接創造方便。]If my company had the budget to improve the conditions, I would like to see a more technology-enabled office. [這樣一來,兩句話就可以結束開頭段落。]

  To begin with, Up-to-date technologies help workers work more efficientlyare certainly helpful. [第一句的信息更寬泛就(寫作過程)更快,以及注意看清楚題目里面的描述“improving the work quality of its employees”,不然就是偏題。] A stable Wi-Fi connection enables online meetings and conference calls proceed smoothly; specialized video software renders[“致使”的賓語通常為unpleasant的事情。]makes live communication between telecommuters and office workers possible; computers with an updated operating system are more immune to virus and cyber attacks, eliminating the risk of losing work progress due to a system break-down. [接下來這幾句就是“硬救”,不然就徹底與題無關了。] All of these enable staff to produce solid result. Also, when the technologies wellfacilitate work process, workers’ mind is in an active and focused state and theirspirit is high. As a result, work quality is high. In addition, with the access to the most advanced facilities, staffs would be proud of their companycompanies and thus be highly motivated to workperformhardwith high standards[不然不夠切題。].For example, the company one of my friend is working for has recently equipped each employee with a laptop (for work only). Upon hearing the news, my friend was overjoyed, and she decided to spend more time on learning computer skills to make the best use of the cutting-edge equipment.

  修改后的主體部分第一段,整體呈現如下:

  Up-to-date technologies are certainly helpful. A stable Wi-Fi connection enables online meetings and conference calls proceed smoothly; specialized video software makes live communication between telecommuters and office workers possible; computers with an updated operating system are more immune to virus and cyber-attacks, eliminating the risk of losing work progress due to a system break-down. All of theseenable staff to produce solid result. Also, when the technologies well facilitate work process, workers’ mind is in an active and focused state and their spirit is high. As a result, work quality is high. In addition, with advanced facilities, staffs would be proud of their companies and thus be highly motivated to perform with high standards. For example, the company one of my friend is working for has recently equipped each employee with a laptop (for work only). Upon hearing the news, my friend was overjoyed, and she decided to spend more time on learning computer skills to make the best use of the cutting-edge equipment.

  HoweverAdmittedly, some may argue that renovating the office is irreplaceable ina renovated and well-furnished office increases employees’ job satisfaction. They believe that how workers feel about their jobworking in a pleasant ordelightful spacehas a direct impact on how well enhances [動詞意義直接一些,就可以用更少的話語說明“心意”。]they execute theemployees’ execution of tasksassigned by their superiors[贅述自然費時。]. Nevertheless, these considerations do not hardly justify the practice. The logic is simple: wouldn’t workers feel more content and secure when they [實在找不到準確描述的時候,用簡單一點的動詞就更省時。] want to complete their daily work on time? Would they like toand do not have to be bothered with work-related deal with the “leftover” when they arrive home especially when they have a home to go to? Actually, even the most comfortable office cannot make a worker stay and concentrate, and they would not work well with their mind absent. What is more, if there is a shortcut for workers to finish their job efficiently[從未停止偏題。改一下來“救”。]the computers run smoothly, the printers never jam and the Internet connection is stable and fast, who will instead care about would be bothered by the trivial negative feelings and minor discomfort during work? [接下來這一句應該挪到結尾段。]Therefore, weighing pros and cons, improving technology, which guarantees work efficiency,[執著的偏題。] turns out to be a more desirable option.

  修改后的主體部分第二段,整體呈現如下:

  Admittedly, some may argue that a renovated and well-furnished office increasesemployees’ job satisfaction. They believe that working in a pleasant ordelightful space enhances employees’ execution of tasks. Nevertheless, these considerations hardly justify the practice. The logic is simple: wouldn’t workerswant to complete their daily work on time?Would they like to deal with the “leftover”especially when they have a home to go to? Actually, even the most comfortable office cannot make a worker stay and concentrate, and they would not work well with their mind absent. What is more, if the computers run smoothly, the printers never jam and the Internet connection is stable and fast,who would be bothered by the trivial negative feelings and minor discomfort during work?

  In conclusion, Weighing pros and cons, improving technology, which is more likely to guarantee work efficiencyquality [句子的核心和重要內容,就不要放到定語從句里說], and thereforeturns out to be is a more desirable option. While redecorating the office for more comfortable spaces may sound tempting to others, I tend to argue otherwise. As a matter of fact, introducing more advanced technologies in office should be put at a higher priority.[太繁瑣,自然耗時。] By contrast, a revamp of the office, albeit welcome, is less likely to have the same effect on workers’ performance.

  修改后的結尾段落,整體呈現如下:

  Weighing pros and cons, improving technology is more likely to guarantee workquality, and therefore is a more desirable option. By contrast, a revamp of the office, albeit welcome, is less likely to have the same effect on workers’performance.


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